In my last blog, which was quite some time ago, I was all about exploring my vulnerability. You’ll be happy to know that I’m over it now. I’ve learned that vulnerability is perfectly fine when one is alone. Add other people and you have to be tough.
By it’s very definition vulnerability makes you “susceptible to emotional damage.” People hurt you when you make yourself vulnerable. You let them see your weak spots and they poke at them. You tell them your thoughts, feelings and wishes, and they stomp on them. They tell you not to feel that way. They ignore what makes you sad or upset. They get pissed off when you tell them they hurt you, and they hurt you some more. It’s just not worth it.
I am now convinced that being tough was, is, and always will be the way to go. They say, however, that if you’re tough, and don’t share your feelings, you will never have true intimacy because holding back entails maintaining a certain amount of emotional distance. But I’ve found that when I make myself susceptible to emotional damage, um…guess what? People damage me emotionally. And when that happens, I distance, in a big way–a much bigger way than if I make myself big, brave, and scary in the first place.
The problem is, most of last year, when I was alone, I became exceptionally good at being vulnerable. I got used to it. And now, it’s harder than it used to be to buck up. I seem to have lost my Teflon coating somewhere between Mesa and Phoenix, and that just sucks. Maybe I need to spend a couple of months in New York and get re-sprayed.
Anyway, remember when I asked everyone to stop telling me to toughen up? I take it back. All reminders are now welcome.