My mastectomy is scheduled for Tuesday at 10:30 a.m., about 34 hours from now at the Greenbaum Surgery Center. I have a little more than a day to walk around in the body that betrayed me. And yet, for my own sanity I need to place my trust in it – trust that it will be strong enough to survive the surgery, trust that my decisions and the decisions that will be made for me are in my best interest, trust that my courage won’t fail me.
I am oddly at peace with my decision not to reconstruct. My plan is to come home without cancer, and if that means coming home without breasts, so be it. I collected all my bras, placed them in a cardboard box, and banished them to the garage. I imagine that at some point I’ll break down into a sniveling, sobbing mess, but it hasn’t happened yet, which makes me wonder how much emotional denial I’m capable of. But when and if I crack, I have to trust that I’ll get over it and subsequently take back my life. What else can I do?